"Of Whom I Am the Foremost"

THE PARADOX OF CONVICTION: 1 Timothy 1:15 (part 2)

King of sinners though I be,
Jesus shed his blood for me.

Paul writes that Jesus came to save sinners, calling himself the foremost of them. How can he, the great apostle to the Gentiles, say such a thing?

We cannot see the heart of another person; only God can do that. It is amazing, however, how those who seem to be closest to the Lord, have the keenest sense of their own distance from the holiness of the Divine Presence.

So the great bishop and theologian Gregory of Nyssa described the approach to God, using the imagery of Moses' ascent onto Mt. Sinai, and the impossibility of closing the gap to comprehend the Divine. And Augustine of Hippo in his Confessions writes of his conviction of sin, and the ongoing need for grace.

So Teresa of Avila writes in her Interior Castle of the human heart as a palace or castle made up of rooms or levels -- yet as the soul makes its ascent into higher and higher levels, it also becomes more pained by, and acutely aware of, its sin.

C.S. Lewis wrote that the person in grace has a clear sense of good and evil, understanding both, where the one who is deep in sin understands neither. At the same time, though, our feelings betray us -- for when we feel holiest we are often complacent or blind to our flaws and failings. (Once I knew someone who was outwardly very righteous but complained that she did not understand the need for prayers of confession, because she didn't think she had anything to confess. Though I admired her uprightness, I remember being concerned about the state of her soul because of this evident blind spot.) It is, paradoxically, when we feel farthest from God because of our shortcomings, that we may actually be closest because we are clinging most closely to Him.

Paul was acutely aware of his shortcomings, and his checkered history with the people of God. I suspect that he carried this about with him, and needed a fresh measure of grace on nearly a daily basis. May God give us like conviction ... and assurance ... and the growth which comes as a result.


Lord, grant me the keen sense of conviction for sin, that I may also know the amazing balm of your grace. Draw me close to you; never let me go. Amen.


(Prince Frederick, Maryland)